Beyond Grief, the art of serene living.  

In the depths of sorrow, we often find ourselves contemplating the nature of grief and its place in our lives. Today we embark on a journey inspired by Seneca’s profound insights from, ‘On Grief for Lost Friends’.   

Seneca advises that while mourning is natural, excessive grief should be avoided.  

Stoicism, which emphasizes the endurance of pain and the cultivation of inner strength, aligns with this sentiment; Stoics seek to find solace in their ability to withstand adversity and maintain tranquillity amidst the fluctuations of life; Seneca suggests that even the strongest souls will feel the sting of loss, but it is crucial to acknowledge and contain our sorrow.   

On the other hand, Taoism, with its profound acceptance of the interconnectedness and cyclical nature of existence, provides a different lens through which to view grief.  

Taoists embrace the ebb and flow of life, recognizing that sorrow and joy are inseparable; It advocates for the harmonization of opposing forces, rather than suppressing or denying emotions; In this light, grief becomes an integral part of the human experience, to be acknowledged and ultimately transcended.   

Seneca encourages us to transform the memory of our lost friends into a source of solace and sweetness; He likens it to savouring fruits with an agreeably acidic taste or appreciating the bitterness of old wines; This perspective aligns with the Taoist notion that even in pain, there can be a peculiar pleasure; They teach us that embracing life’s paradoxes, including the bitter and the sweet, enables us to experience its full richness.  

Moreover, Seneca advises us not to limit our capacity to love and form connections due to the fear of loss; Stoicism emphasizes the importance of embracing friendships and cherishing the present moment, as we never know how long these privileges will be ours.  

Taoism complements this by reminding us to engage fully with the world, embracing love and connection, while understanding that the impermanence of life is an intrinsic part of its beauty.  

Let us step back and reflect on the illusory nature of grief itself, & question the fixed identities we assign to ourselves and others; Through this lens, grief can be seen as a conditioned response, rooted in our attachment to a particular form or relationship; By expanding our awareness to the eternal dance of life and death, we may find solace in the understanding that nothing truly disappears but continues to transform in myriad ways.  

In conclusion, Seneca’s contemplation of  “On Grief for Lost Friends” resonates with both Stoic and Taoist philosophies, offering insights into the human experience of loss.  

Stoicism calls for resilience, while Taoism embraces the impermanence of life as an inherent aspect of existence; We can expand our understanding of grief, finding serenity amidst the ebb and flow of existence.  

On Grief for Lost Friends    

I am grieved to hear that your friend Flaccus is dead, but I would not have you sorrow more than is fitting; That you should not mourn at all I shall hardly dare to insist; and yet I know that it is the better way; But what person will ever be so blessed with that ideal steadfastness of soul, unless one has already risen far above the reach of Fortune?  

Even such a person will be stung by an event like this, but it will be only a sting; We, however, may be forgiven for bursting into tears, if only our tears have not flowed to excess, and if we have checked them by our own efforts; Let not the eyes be dry when we have lost a friend, nor let them overflow; We may weep, however we must not wail.    

Do you think that the law which I lay down for you is harsh, when the greatest of Greek poets has extended the privilege of weeping to one day only, in the lines where he tells us that even Niobe took thought of food?, Do you wish to know the reason for lamentations and excessive weeping?, It is because we seek the proofs of our bereavement in our tears, and do not give way to sorrow, but merely parade it.  

No person goes into mourning for their own sake; Shame on our ill-timed folly!, There is an element of self-seeking even in our sorrow.     

What, you say, am I to forget my friend?, It is surely a short-lived memory that you vouchsafe to them, if it is to endure only as long as your grief; presently that brow of yours will be smoothed out in laughter by some circumstance, however casual.  

It is to a time no more distant than this that I put off the soothing of every regret, the quieting of even the bitterest grief; As soon as you cease to observe yourself, the picture of sorrow which you have contemplated will fade away; at present you are keeping watch over your own suffering; however even while you keep watch it slips away from you, and the sharper it is, the more speedily it comes to an end.     

Let us see to it that the recollection of those whom we have lost becomes a pleasant memory to us; No one reverts with pleasure to any subject which one will not be able to reflect upon without pain; So too it cannot but be that the names of those whom we have loved and lost come back to us with a sort of sting; however there is a pleasure even in this sting.    

For as my friend Attalus used to say: “The remembrance of lost friends is pleasant in the same way that certain fruits have an agreeably acid taste, or as in extremely old wines it is their very bitterness that pleases us; Indeed, after a certain lapse of time, every thought that gave pain is quenched, and the pleasure comes to us unalloyed.”    

If we take the word of Attalus for it, “to think of friends who are alive and well is like enjoying a meal of cakes and honey; the recollection of friends who have passed away gives a pleasure that is not without a touch of bitterness; Yet who will deny that even these things, which are bitter and contain an element of sourness, do serve to arouse the stomach?”    

For my part, I do not agree with him; To me, the thought of my dead friends is sweet and appealing; For I have had them as if I should one day lose them; I have lost them as if I have them still.     

Therefore Lucilius, act as befits your own serenity of mind, and cease to put a wrong interpretation on the gifts of Fortune; Fortune has taken away, yet Fortune has given.    

Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours; Let us think how often we shall leave them when we go upon distant journeys, and how often we shall fail to see them when we tarry together in the same place; we shall thus understand that we have lost too much of their time while they were alive.    

However will you tolerate people who are most careless of their friends, and then mourn them most abjectly, and do not love anyone unless they have lost them?, The reason why they lament too unrestrainedly at such times is that they are afraid lest people doubt whether they really have loved; all too late they seek for proofs of their emotions.    

If we have other friends, we surely deserve ill at their hands and think ill of them, if they are of so little account that they fail to console us for the loss of one; If, on the other hand, we have no other friends, we have injured ourselves more than Fortune has injured us; since Fortune has robbed us of one friend, but we have robbed ourselves of every friend whom we have failed to make.    

Again, one who has been unable to love more than one, has had none too much love even for that one; If a person who has lost their one and only tunic through robbery chooses to bewail their plight rather than look about them for some way to escape the cold, or for something with which to cover their shoulders, would you not think them an utter fool?     

You have buried one whom you loved; look about for someone to love; It is better to replace your friend than to weep for them.    

What I am about to add is, I know, a very hackneyed remark, but I shall not omit it simply because it is a common phrase: A person ends their grief by the mere passing of time, even if they have not ended it of their own accord; But the most shameful cure for sorrow, in the case of a sensible person, is to grow weary of sorrowing.  

I should prefer you to abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you; and you should stop grieving as soon as possible, since, even if you wish to do so, it is impossible to keep it up for a long time.    

Nothing becomes offensive so quickly as grief; when fresh, it finds someone to console it and attracts one or another to itself; but after becoming chronic, it is ridiculed, and rightly; For it is either assumed or foolish.     

One who writes these words to you is no other than I, who wept so excessively for my dear friend Annaeus Serenus that, in spite of my wishes, I must be included among the examples of people who have been overcome by grief; To-day however, I condemn this act of mine, and I understand that the reason why I lamented so greatly was chiefly that I had never imagined it possible for his death to precede mine; The only thought which occurred to my mind was that he was the younger, and much younger, as if the Fates kept to the order of our ages!     

Therefore let us continually think as much about our own mortality as about that of all those we love; in former days I ought to have said: “My friend Serenus is younger than I; but what does that matter?, He would naturally die after me, but he may precede me.”  

It was just because I did not do this that I was unprepared when Fortune dealt me the sudden blow; Now is the time for you to reflect, not only that all things are mortal, but also that their mortality is subject to no fixed law; Whatever can happen at any time can happen to-day.    

Let us therefore reflect, my beloved Lucilius, that we shall soon come to the goal which this friend, to our own sorrow, has reached, And perhaps, if only the tale told by wise people are true and there is a bourne to welcome us, then one whom we think we have lost has only been sent on ahead.    

Don’t forget to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.    

Until next time, be well & stay curious.   

Farewell, Seneca, StoicTaoist.